it's alright ma, i can make it

it feels so strange to be in this room tonight. 

over a perfectly poured guinness he tells me he can't believe i'm here. 

that it doesn't feel real. 

he says i look half empty without kesey at my feet. 

he cried and held me the same way he did the afternoon i left the plains, like i was about to say goodbye. 

i ripped a dylan quote and told him all i could do is be me, whoever that is. 

he laughed, finished his beer, went after my king and put me in checkmate. 

sometimes i just want to disappear and let go for a few months. live out of the volkswagen and travel, well, whenever i get jetta back. 

innocent vigilant (extra?) ordinary

that song makes me dance around the cabin like a fool. 

looks like i'm not getting much sleep tonight. 

all i can do is lay here and dream of you. 

faded from the winter

pretty much every night this happens, usually right as i'm falling asleep. last night it happened on a stranger's couch, with a strange dog in my lap. it always sneaks up on me and then hits like a stack of bricks, this feeling of total loss. emptiness. 

i'm starting to forget what it felt like. 

i feel like memories are being stolen from me, one sunshiney day at a time.

nights like tonight i wish it was still winter, fat snowflakes falling from the sky. 

i still don't know how to get over this. 

the juniper bends as if you were listening. 

"i find it shelter to speak to you."

today, man... what a beautiful day. 

not much tops waking up to a bright, crisp sunday morning. a late, lazy brunch of french toast with candied almonds and maple syrup and organic fair trade coffee (ooh la la boulder!!!) with a devastatingly charming, handsome man really set the tone for my day. 

listening to eddie vedder's 'throw your arms around me' with the windows down watching the sun set didn't hurt much either. 

i've been thinking of different ways to get back in touch, to emerge from this period of silence. 

i'm coming back. 

i'm coming out of the quiet. 

i'm crawling out of the cave. 

finally. 

the sunshine feels amazing on my back.

a happy sunday to everybody. 

cinders and smoke...

time has been slipping away from me, and with a couple eyelash tangling blinks of my eyes april is quickly turning into may. 

usually i'm the kind of person who finds comfort in routine, but lately i've been dying for some excuse to change it up. low and behold my excuse showed itself days after my birthday. a new face, a new feeling, a warm body to take away the deafening silence of the cabin. 

last weekend my excuse and i headed out to mt. harvard, a fourteener 10 miles west of buena vista for the first camp of the season. it was... perfect. sure, it was about 20 degrees at 12,000 feet, but with a raging fire and a never ending supply of s'mores there wasn't much to compla

in about. well, except for me forgetting the rain fly to the little kelty tent broken in and seasoned by music festivals, mountains and well, rain. dammit. we set up camp alongside the arkansas river, which was pretty amazing but cold. sunday morning jason and i caved and went to the coyote cantina for some breakfast and hot (!!!) coffee. 

here are a couple pics: 

No Ceiling

spring has officially sprung at the cabin. 

i am also officially 25 years old. 

yay?

right off the bat i'll say sorry for the lack of pictures. i've been having some issues with my camera. they'll be up soon. 

i've been doing my best to stay busy these past few weeks. i've completely cleaned the cabin from every dark, dusty corner to the tops of the walls in every room (which were in dire need of a good scrub down).

i have about a million different recipes i'd like to try out and have been doing my best to knock them out, one by one. this weekend i made some ridiculously juicy, good pork chops, brine courtesy of Smitten Kitchen.

i've also begun planning my little garden and need to get a move on planting. i signed up for the community produce exchange, and i'm pretty stoked to have fresh, local veggies ALL SUMMER. 

honestly, things have been really tough without kesey dog by my side. i've been pretty distant lately, for that i apologize, but i just really need some peace and quiet. 

just wanted to put a tiny update out there.

oh, and one more thing. i know this album came out quite some time ago, i had actually picked it up on its release date, but it's really been a car staple for me recently. maybe it's because i've harbored a borderline obsessive crush on eddie vedder since his pearl jam ten days, but i am in love with the into the wild soundtrack. if you haven't heard, please check it out. if you can't afford to pick it up, email me. i'd be more than happy to burn you a copy or whatever. 

ok, that's all.

goodnight, and be well.

for kesey, may you rest in peace.

hey there.

so, i know it's been a while since i've last posted, much longer than i had ever imagined, and i just wanted to let you know it's not you; it's me. 

things have been pretty insane over the past few months. we've been blessed with a beautiful colorado winter, snow and sunshine aplenty.

the reason for my post is not very light-hearted. 

last tuesday, february 26th, my 5 year old dog kesey was put to sleep. it was very unexpected and completely devastated me. he got very sick very quickly, and it was a choice i made with his best interest in mind. he taught me so much about myself and living life to its fullest. he is deeply loved and is missed terribly. 

there may be a bit more time between this and my next post. 

i have been feeling very quiet lately.